The Consequences Of A Toxic Relationship Between Parents

Anyone who psychologically abuses their partner, exploits them, looks down on them, humiliates and destroys them and their self-esteem, engages in indirect abuse. And even if it is indirect, it is still terrible for their children. Constantly  witnessing a toxic relationship between parents makes children the primary victims. They are the sad heirs to an emotional legacy that is sometimes marked by irreparable consequences.

According to the  World Health Organization (WHO) and the World Economic Forum (WEF)  , mental illness is the biggest obstacle to people entering the labor market. 

But many of them have actually been in toxic or violent relationships and are psychologically marked by this. Indicators such as post-traumatic stress, depression, anxiety disorders, chronic pain, asthma and even diabetes are silent but chronic signs of these dysfunctional conditions.

Social and health care institutions emphasize the need to “train” victims of this type of physical and psychological abuse  instead of stigmatizing them. When we say “train,” we are talking about giving these men or women appropriate resources and confrontation strategies. That way, they can psychologically and emotionally see value in themselves again and get back to their normal lives.

Something we often ignore, forget or overlook is the kids. Children who from a young age have witnessed these harmful dynamics, this toxic environment from toxic relationships between parents. These children have quietly taken it all in. Every action, every word and shed tears they have taken to themselves in their easily influenced, innocent minds. All of these conflicts happen, even though it is quite clear that it can have serious consequences for the rest of their lives.

We must not forget that the cycle of violence is like a snake eating its own tail. The same things are repeated over and over, the same dynamics. Perhaps these children, who are witnessing a toxic relationship between parents today, will be the new victims or abusers tomorrow. 

Witnessing a toxic relationship between parents makes us victims

“No, I have never laid a hand on my children or my partner.”  Unfortunately, this is a very common reaction among abusers or those who perform psychological  abuse. This abuse, which does not leave bruises that can be used as evidence of the violence, humiliation and damage that is carried out behind the four walls of the home.

But the fact that no violence is being carried out or bruises are actually left makes the situation even more complicated. In these cases  , the victim has difficulty recognizing it as abuse. Instead, they take responsibility for it themselves. 

And that guilt or sense of responsibility does not just grow in the victim. They also grow in children. As the eternal witness, the child typically experiences the same emotions. The child is just another passenger on this train of pain, on this path that leads everyone to the same place. 

We should not forget that Piaget in his theories explained his theory of children’s cognitive development. Children between the ages of two and seven have a self-centered focus where the world revolves around them.  Because of this, the child will feel the  pain of their father or mother . They also take on all the shouting and fights that occur as a consequence of something they have done.

Therefore, it is important that we keep this in mind. That the children are also victims in all toxic relationships. It does not matter if they are behind a door and can not see anything. Or whether they can not yet walk, read, cycle or name the star constellations they see through the window every night.

Children listen and feel. They interpret the world in their own way. And that means  few things are more catastrophic for their childhood than growing up in an environment of neurotic and emotionally destructive parents. 

To survive a toxic relationship between parents

Sometimes it is both parties in the relationship that contribute to the toxic relationship. There are people who are unable to create a stable psychological and emotional relationship. The back-and-forth between care and aggression, density and rage creates a very dysfunctional situation for the couple and especially for all the children involved.

Violent relationships come in many sizes and shapes. They exist in all socio-economic classes. But the true victims in these emotional labyrinths are children. Building one’s identity in circumstances marked by abuse is often the root of future violence. We should never forget that people tend to repeat the psychological and behavioral patterns they are accustomed to.

So surviving a toxic relationship between parents can mean that we ( maybe ) become the new victims or abusers ourselves. It’s because we’ve made our parents’ emotional language our own. To counteract this effect and end the cycle of abuse, we need the right tools. Children who have witnessed these dynamics need help and perhaps therapy. So do the parents.

Because if there is one thing that every child deserves, it is to live in an environment without violence. They deserve to learn how to live a good life. They should be brought up with consistency and respect. And most of all, they deserve  a beautiful relationship between their parents, who are able to show care and love.