Know The Main Cause Of Quarrels To Avoid Them

One never listens. The other starts shouting. Both accuse each other of something without using arguments. This is usually always the main cause of quarrels, and often it ends in a meaningless conflict filled with hatred and pride. We are talking here, of course, about the lack of empathy.

Let’s just think for a moment about the last time we had a slightly heated discussion. For the most part, when we start these dynamics, it comes from the fact that we are different, from an attack or criticism where we seek to prove the truth. We want the other person to see it from our point of view and show them that they were wrong, that their perspective is full of mistakes and unfair.

In addition, we often experience another aspect: Defensive behavior. Our shield unfolds and we try to protect ourselves from attack. It is often seen in a dating relationship, where one or both partners start with accusations or shoot sharply, but hide behind their well-known “victim role.”

We would be able to resolve these conflicts much faster if we practiced the magic word: Empathy. Just getting to know the other person’s reality and understanding it would make the conflicts more humane and make them more constructive. But we always make the same mistake. We are carried away by our emotions, and they color our judgment, turn off common sense, and create even more distance.

Lack of empathy and understanding is the main cause of quarrels

We all want to be understood. But the moment a person questions something about us, criticizes us, or wants to debate “the truth,” we see it as a threat. Shortly after, our rage erupts. There is a clear imbalance in our emotional homeostasis and it does not take long to start an argument.

Let’s take a look at the latest scientific and more popular literature on conflicts. The first thing we find is the classic article  How to Win a Quarrel. We use our disagreements and arguments as if it is a battleground. We believe that there must always be a winner and a loser. It is time to change that view.

The main reason for quarrels is that we refuse to understand each other

The most common instances of quarrels and fights do not happen because the world is full of narcissists. That kind of people can not be spoken to reason and have an easy time getting into an argument. Even if they exist, not everyone is like that. The main reason for quarrels is our lack of understanding of the other and the absence of genuine, practical and useful empathy.

From the moment we understand the other person and find out their reality, we are more willing to give in and give up so that a mutual agreement can be found.

It is very possible that you are thinking that this can only be used for quarrels with good intentions. It may well be so, because in life there are often quarrels which spring from injustice and insult. But even in these situations, it is good to put yourself in the other person’s place and then find out that it is not worth arguing about. It will be a waste of time.

Empathy is the best place to start in all situations. To see, to feel and to find out the other person, after which one can then act on what is the best thing to do.

How to reach an understanding?

We already know that the main cause of quarrels and discussions is abuse of empathy. So how can we train our empathy so that we can get out of unfortunate situations and reach an agreement? Try these strategies:

• When we disagree with another, we need to ask ourselves why we feel that way. Dig deeper into what it was about the argument that struck you. Is it an unfair attack or is there some truth in the criticism that you are not willing to accept?
• So we need to define our own emotional reality and the reason why we find it uncomfortable. Then we have to do the same with the other person. Make an effort to get behind their thoughts to feel, understand and discover. Is this person someone who is insecure, and is that why he or she is after me? Is he or she angry about something I have done in the past and therefore have a horn in the side of me? Was it what they said, for fear of losing me or did they say it because they wanted to get me “awakened?”
• The third step is to find a compromise. Instead of letting go of our emotions, choose to keep track of them. Make yourself understand this and do not blame the other and do not talk about the old quarrels. You should also avoid actions and words that can make it all much worse.

We can learn to avoid quarrels

We must be able to fall again. We must also be able to show the other person that we are empathetic and willing to find a deal.

It is certainly not always easy. It takes time and demands on our “inner” work. However, it will eventually be able to make us enjoy our relationship a whole lot better.