Self-destructive Adaptation – Normalizing Pain
As a rule, it hurts to pull a splinter out of the finger. But what happens when you do not take it out? You know it’s there, and yet the pain is different now. So much so that you can even let it sit for a while before you finally decide to pull it out. This is exactly what self-destructive adaptation is all about in human relationships.
Humans can normalize pain in striking and unexpected ways. Moreover, most people do not know the extent of their innate ability to adapt. In fact, you can appreciate this in work environments. For example, when people spend decades in a position that tramples on their rights. Maybe it’s in a way so they have to find themselves in harassment.
Do people endure this treatment because of the salary? It could be. However, self-destructive adaptation often goes beyond finances. People often stay in this degrading position because “that’s what it is”. After all, “the work is so unbearable that they even pay you to do it”.
Self-destructive adaptation is more than masochism and is part of a series of realities that are worth knowing.
Self-destructive adaptation – to normalize what hurts you
Psychology has been studying this phenomenon for many years. It is thoughtful and incomprehensible when viewed from the outside by someone. Self-destructive and unregulated behavior can only be understood from one point of view: One where a person gets something back.
For example, all addictive behaviors, such as alcohol abuse, are harmful. However, a person derives pleasure from it, so that it becomes a self-destructive addiction. The same goes for self-harming behavior. In this case, physical pain acts as a way to get rid of emotional pain.
So what is the explanation for a person staying in an unhappy relationship? Why do you stay even if your partner is unfaithful repeatedly? What are the benefits to someone who stays in a position they hate?
The self-destructive personality
You have to go all the way back to the basics to understand some of the reasons that often mediate self-destructive adaptation. In other words, take a look at the human personality.
- The self-destructive personality seeks the same kind of destructive relationship over and over again.
- They voluntarily seek out people who deceive and disappoint them.
- They normalize abuse because it controls their relationship in absolute addiction.
For Theodore Millon, self-destructive adjustment is often a trait in people with borderline personality disorder.
Masochistic personality
There is another pattern of behavior in addition to the self-destructive personality: the masochistic personality. This is already part of a specific clinical category: Self-destructive or masochistic personality disorder.
In a study conducted by Dr. Otto Kernberg, he defined some of its characteristics:
- First, they constantly devalue themselves.
- They rarely consider their needs.
- They do not seek to be involved in pleasant activities.
- They sacrifice themselves to an extreme degree to help others.
- They tend to normalize (and even seek) pain and suffering.
- As a last resort, they refuse to seek help. In fact, they tend to turn away from anyone who treats them with respect.
When pain is the only thing you have ever known
Seeing how someone endures pain to unimaginable limits affects many around them. However, you must understand them before you judge them.
Think, for example, of someone who has been physically and mentally abused throughout their childhood. This is a person who very early on understood that love is sometimes associated with humiliation. They believe that someone who loves you will hurt you.
This undoubtedly explains why many people endure pain and do not seek away from it.
Self-destructive adaptation and the fear of change
“Who will ever love me if I leave this relationship?”, “What should I do if I quit my job ?!”, “There is nothing out there for me”. Resistance to change in man is something that few people are aware of. There are times when it is so pathologically ingrained that it impairs your potential and your well-being.
In these situations, the fear of change is more frightening than anything else you can experience. Self-destructive adjustment tends to normalize pain and humiliation, and there is no other way to do it. In those situations, it is crucial to always have a good support network.
It takes a healthy self-esteem to break out of the pattern of self-destructive adjustment. You also need to create some distance so that you are able to see what is happening from the outside. It is crucial to have someone who can help you. However, everything depends on you. It is your decision and should be your conviction that you should not endure the unbearable, for you have not deserved it.
