The Need To Idealize In Order To Love

When we fall in love, idealizing our partner is not just inevitable. It is a necessity.  The uncontrollable, passionate stage produced with great intensity is based on the special view we have of the person we are in love with.

It is a special sight that often amazes us. Any positive trait in the other person is reinforced in an excessive way.  Any negative trait, on the other hand, is reduced, ignored, or even considered charming.

The process of idealization has a predetermined duration. For it is inevitable that the original intensity fades with time. It is not possible to maintain this stage as it affects us in all aspects of our lives.  It lowers our ability to concentrate and pay attention. For all our energy is focused on our beloved.

The biochemical process of idealizing

In the stage of infatuation  , a biochemical process takes place in our affected brain, which is similar to addiction.  That is why this stage has been compared to drugs and also resembles insanity.

When we are in love, chemical substances, such as norepinephrine and dopamine, change in our brain. The production of phenylethylamine is increased. This is the neurotransmitter that provokes voltage. It causes increased heart rate, redness and insomnia.

Phenylethylamine is also generated through some foods, such as chocolate. This is why this food can mimic the feeling of anxiety that is produced when your loved one is not present. In the idealization stage, some symptoms may be:

• The palpitations, chills and tingling in the stomach (what we usually call butterflies in the stomach).
• Strong nervous tension, redness, cold sweats and enlarged pupils.
• Change in body odor, paralyzing fear and a physical need for your partner’s presence . 

Among the psychological symptoms, the following stand out:

• Focus on the loved one, addiction and loss of your own identity.
• A desire to merge, idealization and alternating states of euphoria and depression.

The amazing period of idealizing

The imagination flies away when you idealize. Every part of the other person seems wonderful. We create an extraordinary being, playing with their characteristics, but at the same time adding some aspects that we want or desire.

We fantasize about them everywhere at any time. We can see them everywhere and feel that they are a part of us. It is during this time that we can even hallucinate.

The fantasies we have are about the ideal we have created about what a romantic relationship means. Depending on how we experience love, we will look for a particular type of person or someone else who comes close to this ideal. For example, impossible love, love experienced through pain, love based on conflicts, passionate love, tragic love, “perfect” love, etc.

To be in touch with reality

The process of idealizing a person we love can take a while. When this period ends, the relationship may end or transform. This is something that will above all depend on how much difference there is from reality to the expectations we had. If the person we have idealized does not correspond to our ideal at all, the relationship will probably not reach very far.

The clash with reality can be somewhat frustrating and tragic after all the imagination we built up during the infatuation stage. By returning to reality, love is transformed into mature love. This transition confirms that we are with the person we really want to share our lives with.

Taking this step to return to reality means making love in a different way, without losing your individuality. The idealization has the function of connecting and merging with the other. It gives us the strength and energy to want to get to know the other person with all the intensity required. While breaking out of idealization can be frustrating, it is a positive frustration that helps us develop and create a loving bond.

When experienced in this way, love is a constant challenge, not a place to rest. Constant movement, growth and cooperation. In this way, whether there is harmony or conflict, joy or happiness, it depends on one thing. Two people who experience each other and themselves, from their existential essence.

We now share this wonderful ending scene from the movie “Some like it Hot”: