The Space Of Secrets: How To Get Away From It

Do you have a room full of secrets in your life? What does that really mean? In this article, we take a closer look at the space of secrets, which is an important topic, and we will show you how to preserve your own identity.

When two people decide to live together, different problems can arise. One of the most common problems is adapting and getting used to each other. This involves all our annoying habits, obsessions and traditions.

This process of living together forms dynamics in the relationship. Both parties need to compromise. It happens at the same time as they try to avoid losing their individual identity. When a couple does not do this, what is called the “space of secrets” arises.

The space of secrets

The space of secrets is the area of ​​our lives where we store all our intimate things and habits. But there are also things that can annoy our partner or make him / her unhappy.

This space can start to fill up with unimportant details that you do not mind changing for the sake of your partner. It can be a perfume your partner does not like, needlework that takes up space in the living room. or the romantic TV shows that bore your partner to death.

The problem can start to be a worrying one when the space of secrets is not filled with suggestions but rather obligations. It is full of threats and the customs and habits that somehow make you “unbearable” in your partner’s eyes.

What often happens is that you decide to change these things so that you do not lose your partner. But the price you pay is your identity when you lose it.

Couples who truly love each other are not the ones trying to be perfect and please their partner at the expense of their own well-being. If they truly love each other, they will be able to accept and love each other as they are. They live with each other’s faults, despite the fact that they do not always like the same thing.

The space of secrets and psychological violence

One of the reasons that the space of secrets can be filled up with these things is fear. You fear your partner’s psychological reaction. You may even fear that your partner will become violent and mistreat you.

Many people give up their own desires and identities just to avoid falling victim to physical or psychological violence. They become increasingly vulnerable and they feel more and more trapped by their partner.

Their partner, who discovers how this abuse promotes his or her own interests, simply continues to behave in the same way.

What happens next is that the victim will retreat and hide in the corner of the space of secrets. They do not occupy the position in the relationship that they legitimately deserve. These individuals will lose their personal freedom and they will stop claiming what is theirs. The end result is that they will lose their own identity in the process.

When you lose your voice

These people start letting their partner speak for them. They lose their voice while losing their strength and self-esteem. 

In a relationship, one must never lose one’s identity or one’s voice. It is the only weapon against abuse, isolation and fear.

What is left is a disorganized chaos of what was once yours but is now dependent on someone else. We are afraid of losing ourselves because our lives are so closely tied to the other person.

There is nothing left of us. The room is filled with our “secrets”. These are the things we really like that end up being the bars in our cell.

How to get out of this room?

In this room or prison there are no marks after beatings. This makes it so much more difficult to acknowledge. You might even think that you yourself have stopped doing these things of your own free will.

However, the difference is clear. If there is a fear of losing them, or of them hurting you, then it is coercion and not optional.

We all have obsessions. We all have things we like and that we do not share or talk about to please others. Keep in mind that if these things do not affect the other person’s freedom, then there is nothing wrong with them.

For this reason, and to avoid losing our voice and identity in a relationship, we must not give up everything just to avoid losing our partner.

Bring your secrets to light

But if you are already locked in the room of secrets, then we recommend that you bring them to light without fear. The person who truly loves you will accept you no matter what. Or at least they will try to find a solution so that you are not the only one to give up.

If it is fear that is preventing you from leaving the prison cell that your room filled with secrets has become, then you need to ask for outside help. This can be help from a friend who has now become a distant friend because you have hidden them in a corner. It may also be that you can get help from your family that you may not have seen in a while.

Talk to those you need to talk to so you do not have to keep living in fear. You can also get help from a professional if needed. Psychologists know that you are not alone and that most of all it is not your fault.