To Bring Up: A Task As Beautiful As It Is Difficult

Raising is a task as difficult as it is beautiful. What we do with our children determines the shape their future will take, as well as their essential socio-emotional abilities. They are strongly associated with their rational abilities.

In this way, the first thing we need to keep in mind is that it is impossible to separate reason from feeling, or the mind from the heart, as we tend to say. This dichotomy does not follow our reality. Because we are whole. And thereby we create our growth and our lives.

This can be applied to both the children and teens we want to raise, and to us as educators (mothers, fathers, professionals, therapists, aunts, uncles, teachers, grandparents, etc.). In other words,  if we want to create well-being, we must first feel it ourselves.

To understand this, we need to emphasize that we educate based on our emotions. Therefore, we will not educate properly if things do not go well for us. For example  , we will not achieve calm and motivation in our children if we have high levels of stress and frustration. 

10 basic principles for raising well

Upbringing is primarily based on our example. To put it another way, without clay there is no brick, and without cement there is no building. In this way, teaching is a collaboration with all those around our children.

Based on the principles of Laurence Steinberg, there is a selection of the 10 basic elements that will help educate well. Let’s take a closer look at them:

1. What we do matters

We need to think before we act:  but we agree that we can not always look for the best time to do it and only act in quiet times when there is no emotional worry. Nevertheless, it does not deter us from wanting to do the best we can. Therefore, we must keep in mind that:

• Genes are not everything. Upbringing and the environment act as a fundamental tool for our development.
• Children learn through observation. We must act as role models.
• We need to deal with influences outside the family in an early and positive way.
• Learning from mistakes is essential for good parenting.

2. You can never give too much love

If a five-month-old baby cries, it may mean that it is hungry or it will be close to the parents. It is essential not to withhold care and give love to our children. Excessive care does not spoil them; to give it to them after negative episodes of bad behavior do.

But it is good to reflect on this question. It is not right to reinforce laziness in relation to schoolwork, but it is right to support the child when he understands the consequence of not doing homework or reading. Furthermore, it is important for us to emphasize that:

• It is good to give physical care, for example kisses, pats on the back, loving glances…
• We must honor our children’s achievements in a proper way. We can read more about this and other helpful parenting tips here.
• We must be willing to see and respond to our children’s emotional needs.
• We must create a safe hiding place in which the children can feel our support.

3. We need to be involved in our children’s lives

It is important for us to show interest in their motivation, interests and preferences. So it is important for us to get involved in their school and avoid playing a critical and defiant role in our children’s lives.

4. We must adapt our upbringing to the child

Every child has their rhythm. That is why it is extremely important that we respect this. We often make an effort to adapt our children’s temperaments to our way of raising them. And we lose sight of the only truth that must reign over the process:  EVERY CHILD IS UNIQUE. We must be patient and respect their transition periods.

5. The importance of establishing norms and setting boundaries

No, not everything is okay. Children need norms and boundaries that help guide them  and teach them what restrictions there are and what prohibited actions exist. We must be steadfast and do this with justice, and always be balanced and coherent.

In the same way, it is essential that there is supervision and that we remain aware of what our children are doing so that we can reflect on this and gradually loosen their reins so that our children mature.

6. It is important to promote their independence

It is very important to discuss things positively with the child. We cannot control every detail of a child’s life, so we must let them choose and learn that they have opportunities to be independent. The motto is:  let us protect when we have to, but let us allow when we can.

7. We must be consistent

Being consistent, maintaining certain routines, creating a common goal, not being flexible and helping them identify these non-negotiable norms, helps us maintain balance and promote the reason and acceptance of the norms by the children.

8. It is better to avoid harsh punishment

Physical punishment is counterproductive and hurtful. It entails treating the child badly and without respect, which does not promote the aforementioned balance at all. There is a question that tends to open the minds of adults:  How are we to teach our children not to hit others if we hit them when they do something bad? Not even a small blow is positive.

That is why we must learn to control our anger. Uncontrolled reprimands are not effective either. If the child does something else, we must send them into their rooms, demand that they fix the damage that has occurred, limit or diminish their privileges (toys, going out, television, etc.)

9. To explain the rules and decisions we make

Another fundamental aspect is  explaining the rules and the decisions we make to our children and always doing it in a clear way. We need to be sure that our explanations are perfect, which will help us guarantee that the child has understood it and can apply it.

The familiar “Because I said it” does not help  children understand. Nor does it help us admit our mistakes and listen to the child’s views on the situation. So explaining, understanding and feeling will help validate their feelings and opinions, making room for their future emotional independence.

10. To treat our children with respect

We must treat them with respect so that they are able to do it themselves. Having conversations, listening to them and giving them the opportunity to show what they think and feel, to let them act and do what they can according to their age, etc.  Children treat others the way we treat them, and that will be our upbringing they spread.