When People Say “I Know How You Feel “

When you say “I know how you feel” to a sufferer, you can invalidate their feelings. In the end, you can never know what the other person is going through.

Saying “I know how you feel” can seem like a nice empathic act. But from a psychological point of view, it is not always the best choice. The truth is, you can never fully understand what another person is going through. Therefore, it is always better to just listen to them and let them know that they have your support.

One of the reasons for this response is problematic because you often do not even know what it is you are feeling. So when someone almost randomly sneaks out that they know very well what it is that you are going through, it is not really appropriate. Most people are not therapists or experts in psychology.

You probably experience this with those who are closest to you. Parents use this phrase all the time to talk to their children. Telling a child “I know how you feel,” often gets in the way of getting them to tell you exactly what they are in, in their own words.

You must not forget that every human being is unique and lives in his or her own universe. Their universe can seem chaotic with planets roaming wildly and with black holes that no one else can see.

When people say “I know how you feel” they usually do not know

Most of us have gotten into the bad habit of assuming things instead of actually asking about it. We do this because it requires less cognitive effort and helps us save time. It is much easier to assume that you know something based on the information you already have.

For example, let’s imagine a colleague telling you she’s had a bad day with her partner. You will probably be tempted to say, “I know how you feel.” It makes you feel empathetic and accommodating towards your colleague.

But there you are actually not. We tend to forget that the other person’s emotional universe will never be the same as our own.

Moreover, it is not very empathetic in these situations to say “I know how you feel.” Instead of acknowledging the other person’s feelings and confirming them, you are just confirming your own. And that’s not a big help.

We are naturally inclined to make contact with others, but we do not always know how to do it

Through their research for the University of Virginia, dr. Lane Bakers and dr. James A. Coan something very interesting. The human brain has a number of neural patterns that are exclusively aimed at making contact with other peoples. We often have such a strong sense of the others that we can actually feel their suffering.

That being said, this empathy in other people does not enable us to fully understand the reality of the other. A mother may feel pain for her child without knowing what is happening to them.

A friend may feel your pain without understanding exactly what you are going through. That is why it is so important to know how to make contact in an appropriate and respectful way.

What is the best way to make contact with someone who is having a hard time?

Whether it’s a child, a teenager, your best friend or a stranger, try to avoid falling into the trap of “I know how you feel.” In fact, you should not assume that two people going through the same thing also necessarily experience the same emotions.

Here is an example. Dr. Klaus R. Scherer and dr. Agnes Moors from the University of Geneva has conducted an interesting experiment. They asked 3,000 adults about the same thing: How would you feel if you heard two friends talking badly about you?

Surprisingly, the researchers found up to 14 different types of emotional responses to it. Some stated that they would be angry. Others would be disappointed and feel let down. Some felt guilty, others said they would feel lonely, and some claimed they would not care, because people who needed to slander one could no longer be a friend.

Faced with this wide range of possible emotional responses to this simple “I know how you feel” scenario, it seems less and less appropriate. But what other options do you have? Yes, the most important thing is to know how to listen in a good way. Then one must remember that certain phrases and words can paint the other person up in a corner.

This is how you should act instead of saying “I know how you feel”

•  Avoid saying things like “it’s nothing,” “I’ve tried it too, and you overreact,” “it always happens to you,” “you have to try to focus on something else,” and so on.
• Instead of saying, “I know how you feel,” you can say, “Tell me how you feel.”
• It is not always easy to express how you feel. Emotions are complex and chaotic. Accepting them and understanding them takes time. So what others need when they are in a difficult time with all these emotions is support and security.

Sometimes it’s best to just say, ‘I’m here for you. Ultimately, your goal is to be present and to be grasped. You want to create a sense of security and intimacy where it is not expected and where no one can judge the feelings of others.